My last day as a mom of one

Tomorrow we are having a baby!!

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I have missed writing to you all! It’s felt a bit hectic with the new baby coming, Simone adjusting to preschool (including our fair share of sick days), trying to tie up a million loose work ends, and, and, and…I guess life usually feels like this. Busy and breathless.

I was planning to take this week for self care, lots of walks and reading and rest…but I got a potentially big writing opportunity that came in the form of a meeting last Friday and involved me doing some fairly big work. I wanted to do it before the baby came, which happens tomorrow morning (please send good thoughts). I finished it just in the knick of time. I’m worried it’s not good enough, but I’m trying to put that worry away.

Sidebar: we’re having a scheduled c-section. It really was not what I initially wanted. With Simone, I planned for an unmedicated vaginal birth, and I ended up having an emergency c-section. We plan and God laughs, they say.

Because these two babies are so close together, 19 months-ish, most doctors seem to recommend a caesarean, primarily to protect against the risk of uterine rupture. At first, I was devastated. In my weird internal logic, this felt like some sort of personal failure. Slowly, I’ve come to a lot of acceptance around this. A great chat with our doulas from Simone helped me process everything and wrap my head around what was going on (we didn’t actually get to use them with Simone’s birth, because it was the height of the start of Covid-19 and panic; now doulas are allowed pretty much everywhere, but that wasn’t the case in April 2020.)

There is also something nice to be said about having a date and time in mind and knowing a lot more about what to expect. Simone and Ace (our dog) will stay with my parents. We’re all going over there for dinner tonight, and to say goodbye to the little ones for a few days. Our bags are packed. We have a going home outfit for the baby and Pirate's Booty for me. At home, we have supplies ready: newborn diapers and our bassinet and my favorite baby-life essential: my brest friend. I even cleaned out the kitchen cupboards!

And here I am, sort of an emotional wreck. A live wire of excitement and nerves.

I felt so nostalgic and tender about my last morning of just me and Simone. I love our mornings together: I have my coffee, she has her milk, we cuddle on the couch and watch Peppa Pig. (I really do not understand the appeal but she is #1 Peppa fangirl).

Then, Simone had a full-body protest when it was time to get dressed for preschool and rubbed her yogurt-covered hands all over my sweater and I came back to earth a little.

This time tomorrow, G-d willing, I will be cuddling with my new baby, who is now throwing punches to my ribcage.

Everything today feels like the end of an era, my last walk with Ace as a mom of one, my last time taking Simone to the playground after school, her last day as an only child.

The end of something and, of course, the beginning of something big.

My heart is full of love and it just keeps getting bigger.

I feel so fragile and so strong, too.

Please send me and my family good thoughts!

So much love to you.

xoxoxo,

H

Simone is going to be a big sister very, very soon.

PS I’ve been on a lot of podcasts and local radio shows, which has been so fun! Highlights, if you want to listen, include an interview on WNYC’s All of It and the Love Food Podcast with Julie Duffy Dillon.

PPS My last Writing the Senses column for Catapult is up! It’s about smell.