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I am oh so deeply tired!

Tony has been away on a work trip this week and Julius hasn’t been sleeping so well. (Can you believe he’s 10 months old already? And almost WALKING?) I had all these plans for work and writing I’ve been wanting to get done, but my brain is FUZZ.

Still, I wanted to say something. I wanted to reach out. I wanted to not be alone with my thoughts. SO…HI!

I’m in my bed office. Ace is giving me the good cuddles (thanks, Ace!). Before kids, before the pandemic, a lifetime ago, when Tony left for work in the morning, I’d often make myself a cup of coffee, grab my laptop, head back to bed, and work/write. Such a luxury! So cozy! Lots of advice-givers say working from bed is a bad idea (get dressed, they say!), but it works for me. I’ve written some of my best stuff from the bed office.

But then, suddenly, there were babies to tend to. Crying/screaming/chattering/cooing to wake up to instead of an alarm. Diapers to change. Breastfeeding. Bottles. Milk.

Now it’s not even noon and I feel like I’m ready to call it a day. I tried to nap but I’m an awful napper and have probably had one too many cups of coffee. By 5 AM this morning, I had nursed a baby, dealt with a poop situation, changed a set of crib sheets, comforted a toddler (“MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY CUDDLE ME MOMMY”) and tried unsuccessfully to get everyone back to bed. So I needed that coffee.

But here I am, surviving!

Over the weekend, I hosted my first PARTY since becoming a mom/Covid times. It was both overwhelming and soul-filling. Challenging and great. It was fucking fun.

I am somebody who loves throwing a party.

It feels good to remember these things about me.

To remember me.

So often these days I just feel like a vessel for working, packing lunches, nursing, wiping sticky hands, etc etc etc. My big goal as a 35 year old me is taking care of myself half as well as I take care of everyone else.

I love this Dr. Becky podcast episode on mom rage with Anna Mathur. Mom rage is a sign of unmet needs, they said. That blew my mind a little.

They talked about checking in with yourself, like you might check in with a kid: They suggested asking yourself:

How do I feel?

What do I need?

Let’s practice.

How I feel: Today I feel deep-in-my-bones exhaustion. I also feel hope, joy, gratitude, frustration, worry, and coziness. (Is coziness a feeling? I think so!)

What I need: I need rest. I need some warm food, I need some ease.

What do you feel? What do you need?

It’s not about fixing it, just about witnessing. Being with, Holding space. Curiosity and compassion. All those good things.

Til next time,

H

And here is party Hannah and party Simone:

PS I’m being honored by an organization I care deeply about, NEDA, the National Eating Disorders Association. “Our Inspire Award will be presented to Hannah Howard saluting her for her honesty, authenticity, and integrity in talking about her eating disorder and recovery,” they said, which definitely made me cry. If you want to support a good cause and get dressed up in NYC on October 18, join me.

PPS I wrote some things recently about baby food makers, kamado grills, whiskey glasses, and gin for Negronis. Also about some wonderful restaurants in NYC, Fish Cheeks and Maison Yaki, plus a very cool LA restaurateur with Texas soul, Briana Valdez.

PPPS: A highlight from my week is that Helen Rosner came to talk to my food writing class. I absolutely love her and left feeling inspired, energized, and seen. Thanks, Helen.

Letters from Hannah

Hi from my bed office #cozy