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“How are you feeling?” they ask every other week (every other week now that I’m in my third trimester) at my prenatal doctor’s appointments.
“Pretty good,” I say, which is true. “And tired,” I say, which is also true.
“Do you take naps?” the last doctor asked.
“Sometimes.” I’ve never been a good napper, and it’s not easy to fit in time with work and looking after a toddler.
“Try to take it easy,” she suggested, which seemed an almost extraordinarily tall order.
There’s so much to do! I’m trying to wrap up work in the next month or so and take a proper maternity leave, which isn’t easy to do as a freelancer. I am practicing saying “no thank you,” or at least, “not right now” to new work, and yet my to-do list feels gigantic, and like it just keeps multiplying.
We’re all still adjusting to life in the country, which has so many truly great aspects. But if we don’t cook dinner, there are not approximately 9678 delicious delivery options, there are…none. (There are a handful of pick-up spots, but nothing is open remotely late.) I miss pho and curry and seafood pajeon when it’s been a long day and nobody feels like cooking.
18 months into mom life, I’m still figuring out my new relationship with time, which is no longer my own. I want to do a 20-minute prenatal yoga YouTube. I want to wash my hair. I want to answer my emails. But Simone needs pretty much constant attention, or she starts to enthusiastically Swiffer the bed or splash in the toilet. Leaving the house requires a lot of prep (and so many snacks). Everything still feels hard.
And then there’s the reality of my 32-week pregnant body—my bump is now the size of a coconut. I could occasionally feel Simone hiccup inside me, and twist and turn, but this coconut has full-on dance parties and enthusiastic martial arts practice sessions, and I wake up most nights with kicks to my ribs and pelvis.
I have sudden, intense bouts of heartburn, which I’ve never experienced before but now I know is quite aptly named.
I find myself out of breath when I’m just standing there, cooking dinner. When I really want to be ordering pho, anyway.
I have weirdly vivid dreams. Something about packing for a redeye to Tokyo but not having a suitcase and getting fired by Anna Wintour.
I’m ready for bed at 9 PM but I cannot sleep at 2 AM.
I don’t mean to complain. Really! I am almost insanely lucky.
But I am also very tired.
I would really like some pho.
Instead, I’m going to enjoy a coconut popsicle (a pregnancy craving that’s always delicious.) I will take a shower and wash my hair. Simone is asleep. Ace’s (the dog’s) chin is propped up on my knee. Tony is cleaning up from the shrimp fajitas I made for dinner, which were perfectly easy and tasty.
I’m reading Lauren Groff’s The Matrix, which is shockingly brilliant. I’m going to curl up in bed and read for approximately seven minutes before passing out. Hopefully I’ll sleep through the night. This week, I’ll go to the doctor again. I’ll chip away at my long list. I’ll pack Simone lunch and snacks. I’ll miss her while she’s at school but be grateful for the quiet.
Maybe, I’ll even take a nap.
xo,
Hannah
PS Last week I wrote my first piece for Modern Farmer, about the seasonality of cheese. I also profiled Acushla Olive Oil over at oliveoil.com.
Here I am with my bump and my book!
Thank you for taking the time to share your feelings.
You're life is definitely much busier than mine, but I can empathize with your struggle of trying to cram a million things into the day, being pulled in a million directions, and still feeling tasks pile up at the end of the day. The stress must be immeasurable.
I just wanted to reach out because it sounds like your now looking at naps and sleeps as another task. If you feel you need a nap and can't kick the stress of the day enough to actually sleep: that's ok if you lay there and listen to a podcast(or music or silence), it's ok to just lie there and practice mindfulness.
P. S. I love your writing style and smile every time I see one of your publications, because I know they'll be great.
I loved Plenty!! Thank you for writing it. Good luck in your home stretch and enjoy the time with solo Simone.